Newest obsession and new job

So, I've finally gotten a job. I sort of like it, but I always find myself forgetting small things that make me paranoid that it will get me fired. Like if I need the manager to open the register for me because I forgot to get a tip (for the hair stylist) out. I think, "Ah, shit. This is the second time today. She's going to fire me."

And my newest obsession- The Walking Dead (tv show on AMC). Tore through the two seasons that have aired in 3 days. And Ive watched interviews, read fanfics, and now I'm reading the graphic novel the show was based off of.

I'm such a loser. Don't know how often I'll update this anymore. I usually just tweet shit, but like today, I wanted to post something. So you never know.

Until then.

Stay humane.

Biggest mistake?

Regretful and overjoyed.

Should I have emailed him? Probably not. But I couldn't NOT have. I saw he had an email address, I made up some bullshit lie about why I'm contacting him.

Didn't think he would respond. But he did.

Ahhhhh. So here we are.

“If you won’t love yourself, who else will?” QUOTE! Except I don't love myself and I don't believe in love. Does this mean I'm just going to be lonely forever?

Or I could just obsess over this dude again and fill that empty pat of my life.

Living with this OCD

I've never really talked about this before, and it surprised me. This is something I don't like to talk about to people at all.

My OCD. My obsession with things. It's hard to concentrate on life when I get so focused on something obsessively. It's hard to live with, I will actually admit, and I have not yet learned how to cope with it.

I already have ADD. And sometimes I can't control what I obsess over. I can obsess over something to hours, days, weeks, years.

Longest running obsessions:

- DBSK (ongoing)
- Stalked this guy  (ongoing)
- Make sure no one knows who I really am (ongoing)
- Lesbian porn (ongoing)

Currently:
-FunkMaster Kush (youtuber)
I feel like I'm actually crazy. Maybe that's why I'm broken. :(

What is marijuana to me? (sensitive topic)

Weed.
I love weed. Weed is something I do. Not to be cool, no. I think people who smoke to be "cool" are a disgrace.

I can't think of anything that would bring me as much happiness as it does when I smoke weed with my best friends. Granted, only two of them smoke, but I enjoy it.

When I smoke, (I smoke with J and A) I get this stupid big grin on my face. Why? Sure, I'm stoned. But that's not all of it. I ENJOY getting ripped with my BEST friends, because another part of me comes out when I'm high, and I don't let many people see that side of myself.

Speaking out at a sufferer of depression, insomnia and anxiety, I'm TELLING you it helps me. I've done...so many terrible things to others and to myself because of my conditions. I feel like weed is a silent comfort to  me, like it knows I'm upset 90% of the time. And it targets all my negativity and lets me LIVE and BE who I am without any worries. I could never stop smoking weed. I couldn't.

I don't even know if I can describe to you how I feel when I'm high. I just laugh. I say things I wouldn't normally say out loud. I'm nicer. I'm more affectionate. I'm funnier (though this actually COULD be because there are 3 best friends in a room FUCKED UP on happiness, I'll give you that one). I'm more patient. I'm a better listener. I open up about my feelings (I have a very closed off heart). I try to help my best friends through their struggles. I'm chill. Something I would normally be FLIPPING out about when sober, I kind of nod about. Smile a little bit. Then talk through it.

It's just better. It just is.

I could never fully explain it to someone who has never smoked marijuana or does not have any disorders. I'm not saying I'm the worst person out there. NO. I know there are people wore than me. But of course, in my perspective, I don't think so (everyone thinks like this, right?).

So, I will smoke weed. I will always do it.

You wouldn't understand.

P.S. Tomorrow I'm going to write an entry when I'm high, and you'll see the difference.

Emotionally dying

Quite a few things happened recently that make me feel like I'm emotionally dying.

-I've slowly stopped eating as much. Maybe one meal a day, with a few snacks (orange, string cheese).
-My dog Luke, my baby, the one who always makes me happy, bit me. Hard. I have bruises on my hand. I was so shocked, all I could do was step back and cry as I ran upstairs.
- This was AFTER I had a huge fight with my parents. My mom was stomping around telling me to get out. I ran without shoes down the road. It was so...painfully REAL. So realistic. I was getting kicked out with nothing but the clothes on my back. I wasn't ready. I can't make it in the world by myself. But I ran, cried until I was just sobbing out the window of A's car. Until no more tears would come.

I'm home now, things are okay. My parents don't seem to get how fragile I am. Thank God.

My parents are everything to me. I know how hard they work. So for them to get so angry at me that they just wanted me OUT...it broke me.

I don't think I'll be able to recover. It was a tough night.

But the worst, it not most beautiful moment was this morning, actually. I woke up at 10:30am (I went to bed at midnight). I usually wake up at 1pm and go to sleep at 5 or 6am. This is my schedule. But...when I woke up. I went right downstairs, heated up a mug of milk (my version of coffee) and sat outside with my dogs running around as the wind blew.

And I smiled.

Then I cried. Because I felt happy. For a moment. I had never felt a feeling like that before with such intensity. But for one moment...I felt like everything was going to be okay.

Then the moment was gone and I sat outside alone.

Nothing will ever be okay.
I'll always be broken.

But I can try, right? Is there still something inside of me that can find happiness?

I don't know anymore. I'm going to try to see if I go to bed early tonight if it will help. Because I wan to feel that again. I want to feel it everyday, even if it's only for 10 seconds.

Even if its only...

Social anxiety and regrets.

I don't want a job. Why?


SOCIAL ANXIETY is anxiety (emotional discomfort, fear, apprehension, or worry) about social situations, interactions with others, and being evaluated or scrutinized by other people. The difference between social anxiety and normal apprehension of social situations is that social anxiety involves an intense feeling of fear in social situations and especially situations that are unfamiliar or in which you will be watched or evaluated by others. The feeling of fear is so great that in these types of situations one may be so worried that they feel anxious just thinking about them and will go to great lengths to avoid them.

I'm scared to get a job. I'm admitting it. I'm terrified. I have no doubt in my mind that I have social anxiety. I don't talk to people. I don't like being around people. I don't like people looking at me. I don't like having to talk to other people. SO, being in an environment for 6 or 7 hours a day around PEOPLE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY scares me.

I really don't even like thinking about tomorrow. I have to dress fancy (I usually wear pj's and a t shirt) and go fake a smile to every salon I can. I want to work retail maybe. So I never have to worry about seeing people again. Gosh. That's something I would do. I would apply for a job like that.

Just...not doing hair all day where I have to talk to people.
I SUCK AT DOING HAIR. God only knows how I graduated Beauty School. Then again, it's my fault I chose this field. And I really wish I didn't.

Thus begins the beginning of something terrible.

Irritated and infatuated. Odd combo?

Today has been a struggle a bit, but it hasn't really been a "terrible" day. I've been irritated with almost everything today. People, things. The only thing I can take is my dogs and J.

I have a killer headache. Gah, I don't know. I didn't sleep well last night (I was sick all night) and I don't know. BLAH.

I just want to be alone with quiet. Just me. And quiet.

I'm such an asshole.

As for infatuated...not only am I head over heels for Ray William Johnson, I'm also head over heels for Gerard Butler. After watching 300, I thought his body was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen. But that's not why I liked him (though it helped). He is such a child at heart and when he laughs...his smile is infectious.

I don't know. I like the weirdest people.