What is marijuana to me? (sensitive topic)

Weed.
I love weed. Weed is something I do. Not to be cool, no. I think people who smoke to be "cool" are a disgrace.

I can't think of anything that would bring me as much happiness as it does when I smoke weed with my best friends. Granted, only two of them smoke, but I enjoy it.

When I smoke, (I smoke with J and A) I get this stupid big grin on my face. Why? Sure, I'm stoned. But that's not all of it. I ENJOY getting ripped with my BEST friends, because another part of me comes out when I'm high, and I don't let many people see that side of myself.

Speaking out at a sufferer of depression, insomnia and anxiety, I'm TELLING you it helps me. I've done...so many terrible things to others and to myself because of my conditions. I feel like weed is a silent comfort to  me, like it knows I'm upset 90% of the time. And it targets all my negativity and lets me LIVE and BE who I am without any worries. I could never stop smoking weed. I couldn't.

I don't even know if I can describe to you how I feel when I'm high. I just laugh. I say things I wouldn't normally say out loud. I'm nicer. I'm more affectionate. I'm funnier (though this actually COULD be because there are 3 best friends in a room FUCKED UP on happiness, I'll give you that one). I'm more patient. I'm a better listener. I open up about my feelings (I have a very closed off heart). I try to help my best friends through their struggles. I'm chill. Something I would normally be FLIPPING out about when sober, I kind of nod about. Smile a little bit. Then talk through it.

It's just better. It just is.

I could never fully explain it to someone who has never smoked marijuana or does not have any disorders. I'm not saying I'm the worst person out there. NO. I know there are people wore than me. But of course, in my perspective, I don't think so (everyone thinks like this, right?).

So, I will smoke weed. I will always do it.

You wouldn't understand.

P.S. Tomorrow I'm going to write an entry when I'm high, and you'll see the difference.