Biggest mistake?

Regretful and overjoyed.

Should I have emailed him? Probably not. But I couldn't NOT have. I saw he had an email address, I made up some bullshit lie about why I'm contacting him.

Didn't think he would respond. But he did.

Ahhhhh. So here we are.

“If you won’t love yourself, who else will?” QUOTE! Except I don't love myself and I don't believe in love. Does this mean I'm just going to be lonely forever?

Or I could just obsess over this dude again and fill that empty pat of my life.

Living with this OCD

I've never really talked about this before, and it surprised me. This is something I don't like to talk about to people at all.

My OCD. My obsession with things. It's hard to concentrate on life when I get so focused on something obsessively. It's hard to live with, I will actually admit, and I have not yet learned how to cope with it.

I already have ADD. And sometimes I can't control what I obsess over. I can obsess over something to hours, days, weeks, years.

Longest running obsessions:

- DBSK (ongoing)
- Stalked this guy  (ongoing)
- Make sure no one knows who I really am (ongoing)
- Lesbian porn (ongoing)

Currently:
-FunkMaster Kush (youtuber)
I feel like I'm actually crazy. Maybe that's why I'm broken. :(

What is marijuana to me? (sensitive topic)

Weed.
I love weed. Weed is something I do. Not to be cool, no. I think people who smoke to be "cool" are a disgrace.

I can't think of anything that would bring me as much happiness as it does when I smoke weed with my best friends. Granted, only two of them smoke, but I enjoy it.

When I smoke, (I smoke with J and A) I get this stupid big grin on my face. Why? Sure, I'm stoned. But that's not all of it. I ENJOY getting ripped with my BEST friends, because another part of me comes out when I'm high, and I don't let many people see that side of myself.

Speaking out at a sufferer of depression, insomnia and anxiety, I'm TELLING you it helps me. I've done...so many terrible things to others and to myself because of my conditions. I feel like weed is a silent comfort to  me, like it knows I'm upset 90% of the time. And it targets all my negativity and lets me LIVE and BE who I am without any worries. I could never stop smoking weed. I couldn't.

I don't even know if I can describe to you how I feel when I'm high. I just laugh. I say things I wouldn't normally say out loud. I'm nicer. I'm more affectionate. I'm funnier (though this actually COULD be because there are 3 best friends in a room FUCKED UP on happiness, I'll give you that one). I'm more patient. I'm a better listener. I open up about my feelings (I have a very closed off heart). I try to help my best friends through their struggles. I'm chill. Something I would normally be FLIPPING out about when sober, I kind of nod about. Smile a little bit. Then talk through it.

It's just better. It just is.

I could never fully explain it to someone who has never smoked marijuana or does not have any disorders. I'm not saying I'm the worst person out there. NO. I know there are people wore than me. But of course, in my perspective, I don't think so (everyone thinks like this, right?).

So, I will smoke weed. I will always do it.

You wouldn't understand.

P.S. Tomorrow I'm going to write an entry when I'm high, and you'll see the difference.

Emotionally dying

Quite a few things happened recently that make me feel like I'm emotionally dying.

-I've slowly stopped eating as much. Maybe one meal a day, with a few snacks (orange, string cheese).
-My dog Luke, my baby, the one who always makes me happy, bit me. Hard. I have bruises on my hand. I was so shocked, all I could do was step back and cry as I ran upstairs.
- This was AFTER I had a huge fight with my parents. My mom was stomping around telling me to get out. I ran without shoes down the road. It was so...painfully REAL. So realistic. I was getting kicked out with nothing but the clothes on my back. I wasn't ready. I can't make it in the world by myself. But I ran, cried until I was just sobbing out the window of A's car. Until no more tears would come.

I'm home now, things are okay. My parents don't seem to get how fragile I am. Thank God.

My parents are everything to me. I know how hard they work. So for them to get so angry at me that they just wanted me OUT...it broke me.

I don't think I'll be able to recover. It was a tough night.

But the worst, it not most beautiful moment was this morning, actually. I woke up at 10:30am (I went to bed at midnight). I usually wake up at 1pm and go to sleep at 5 or 6am. This is my schedule. But...when I woke up. I went right downstairs, heated up a mug of milk (my version of coffee) and sat outside with my dogs running around as the wind blew.

And I smiled.

Then I cried. Because I felt happy. For a moment. I had never felt a feeling like that before with such intensity. But for one moment...I felt like everything was going to be okay.

Then the moment was gone and I sat outside alone.

Nothing will ever be okay.
I'll always be broken.

But I can try, right? Is there still something inside of me that can find happiness?

I don't know anymore. I'm going to try to see if I go to bed early tonight if it will help. Because I wan to feel that again. I want to feel it everyday, even if it's only for 10 seconds.

Even if its only...

Social anxiety and regrets.

I don't want a job. Why?


SOCIAL ANXIETY is anxiety (emotional discomfort, fear, apprehension, or worry) about social situations, interactions with others, and being evaluated or scrutinized by other people. The difference between social anxiety and normal apprehension of social situations is that social anxiety involves an intense feeling of fear in social situations and especially situations that are unfamiliar or in which you will be watched or evaluated by others. The feeling of fear is so great that in these types of situations one may be so worried that they feel anxious just thinking about them and will go to great lengths to avoid them.

I'm scared to get a job. I'm admitting it. I'm terrified. I have no doubt in my mind that I have social anxiety. I don't talk to people. I don't like being around people. I don't like people looking at me. I don't like having to talk to other people. SO, being in an environment for 6 or 7 hours a day around PEOPLE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY scares me.

I really don't even like thinking about tomorrow. I have to dress fancy (I usually wear pj's and a t shirt) and go fake a smile to every salon I can. I want to work retail maybe. So I never have to worry about seeing people again. Gosh. That's something I would do. I would apply for a job like that.

Just...not doing hair all day where I have to talk to people.
I SUCK AT DOING HAIR. God only knows how I graduated Beauty School. Then again, it's my fault I chose this field. And I really wish I didn't.

Thus begins the beginning of something terrible.

Irritated and infatuated. Odd combo?

Today has been a struggle a bit, but it hasn't really been a "terrible" day. I've been irritated with almost everything today. People, things. The only thing I can take is my dogs and J.

I have a killer headache. Gah, I don't know. I didn't sleep well last night (I was sick all night) and I don't know. BLAH.

I just want to be alone with quiet. Just me. And quiet.

I'm such an asshole.

As for infatuated...not only am I head over heels for Ray William Johnson, I'm also head over heels for Gerard Butler. After watching 300, I thought his body was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen. But that's not why I liked him (though it helped). He is such a child at heart and when he laughs...his smile is infectious.

I don't know. I like the weirdest people.

Spongebob, Weed, Ray and Friends

Today was one of the better days.

Went to J's with A, and got high all day. Came home and started watching Spongebob. Now I'm stalking Ray William Johnson for the day and waking up (I was falling asleep). So now A and I are going to do what we always do and we analyze our personalities.

HAHAHA The Iron Butt.

Let me do a Ray appreciation:

I love this man. I'm still investigating him. IN LOVE. On his show, he's this funny charismatic guy. In real life he's an introverted, socially anxious guy who's really short (Apparently 5 foot 5 or something and all is friends are like 6 foot 3 or taller).

Hopeful plans for a Friday...

J was pretty sick today when she called me from her house. And she called in sick from work tomorrow. She hopes to feel better by tomorrow and she says she'll wait for my call (I told her I'd call at 10:30am) to tell me if she was feeling well enough for me to come over and smoke up with her.

I think even if she doesn't feel well she'll want me to come over anyway and hang and smoke up anywayyyyyy!! Hahaha I love that!

I told my mom some bullshit (which now I think is a good idea so now it's not quite bullshit) that J was going to help me with job searching. Though it sucks she's so far away, I actually don't mind it at all because I get to hang out with her for a while and she smokes me up for free every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. She's never expected any money at all, and her boyfriend T likes me enough to not care anymore if I just chill.

I'm excited because I enjoy hanging with J. She doesn't get on my nerves ever, and she knows how to make me laugh when I'm stoned as fuck. So, hopefully things go dandy pandy. I'll probably post again later today after I get back from J's (it's 2:15am now). A is coming over and we're going to answer personal memes while eating popcorn and watching Spongebob.

Just another day.

Crushing >hard< on Ray William Johnson?

I think I might really like him. Which SUCKS for him cause there's about to be some major stalking on my part. And in my research I found some things out about him.

- He's actually very introverted.
- He doesn't like physical contact with people.
- HE'S SO TINY. He's short and skinny. XD
- I think he works a lot harder than we think he does.
- He is a manic depressive and has anxiety.

Here's a poem/lyrics he wrote:

They say I’m crazy
But I can’t necessarily say they’re wrong
Sometimes I rap the same verse twice in the same song
‘cause I’m losing it
‘cause I’m un-stable
You don’t know me, and I’m just guessin
That you didn’t know I’m a manic depressive
And that I also take pills for my generalized anxiety
I know I ain’t perfect, but in everybody’s eyes I try to be
just normal, but everybody stares at me
And if I’m so normal then why do I need therapy?
The Xanax and the Paxil turn me into a zombie
And I’m probably not that sick. I’m just a fucking hypochondriac
I don’t talk about it, just deal with it quietly
Drinkin Captian Morgan just to deal with anxiety
Some times I think of things I really wish I didn’t think of…

I respect him so much for putting this out there so his viewers could understand him better. Like how he does thing people don't understand. Poor baby.

If you DON'T know who he is (DO YOU LIVE UNDER A ROCK!?), he is the most subscribed person on Youtube. He's made it big, I'm so proud of him. A huge fan, and I think I love him.

Oh, and I ship Lance and Ray. Just saying.

Dragons?! Oh, I get it.

Dragons. My favorite animal ever. Why?

FAQ

Why do you like dragons?

There's something overwhelming at the sight of a creature that is both a destroyer and a creater. Something so powerful and graceful. To me, the dragon is a mythical creature even more famous (or infamous depending on how you look at it) than the vampire. It's never shown as a weak (sparkling piece of shit) entity. It's shown as a weapon. As a being of wisdom and strength. They're huge unstoppable forces that can be a destroyer as easily as a protector.

And they are fucking pretty. I actually have a couple pics of my favorite dragons I've seen (art wise) over the years of creepy stalking.

Your argument is invalid.

Less moping!!! (as one does)

Less moping, everyone. I dont want ANY potential future readers to think this is like one of those emotional blogs that I pour my heart into everyday. (A video diary, if you will). No. I want to be myself (you'll love my dry humor) in these posts. I constantly have a reporter announcer voice in my mind saying everything I do, so it makes life easier.

So you probably picture me: sitting at a desk, a fire in the background. In a robe, sipping on some hot tea as I scroll through my emails and laugh.

But alas, I am a chubby Mexican chick who is stuffing cheese covered toast into my mouth while my other hand scratches my left tit. So here I am. This is me. It's all you guys get (sorry, guys).

There are only a few things I want to talk about. See below.
A. Pokemon
B. Cheese covered toast
C. Cards with Gift Cards

A. Pokemon. The joys of my youth. And now. I will never regret buying any of the versions I own (Blue, Red, Yellow, Gold, Silver, Crystal, Ruby, Sapphire, Firered, Emarald, Heartgold, Diamond, Black). I am obsessed with it on an almost sociopath level.

...

Do you think sociopaths actually do that? Obsess over Pokemon?

B. Cheese covered toast. It's just really good. I almost didn't want to try it because it looked like an exploded caterpiller on toast, but I did. And it's really good. It reminds me of when my father built me a treehouse (envision. Me sitting in a chair in front of marble background. My eyes are closed and I glance up as the wind blows..."Oh ho...that treehouse...") when I was a kid. I love that treehouse.....I don't think that's the same kind of love.

C.Cards with Gift Cards (sorry I just got distracted at A texting telling me he found a pack of glow sticks in his trunk and I almost shat myself). Be honest. When you were a kid, you didn't give a FUCK about the card. You just couldn't wait to open it to see if you had any fucking money from your God damn money grubbing aunt. Oh, 20 bucks.

And your parents look at you with that knowing smile.

Well, that's me. Out for the night. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Unexpected start (sensitive topic: marijuana)

I had an unexpected start of the day today! I woke up on my own at 11:30am-ish (I usually get up around 1:30pm). A was over (he spends the weekends here, pretty much. And randomly other days.), and he was awake too. We talked a little bit about nothing, then he had to leave to go get coffee with someone.


MY CAR STARTS AGAIN! Shouldn't have made me as happy as it did, but I've been immobile for the past week because of my car battery. My dad got me a new one (bless him) and now I can drive again! So that has put me in a good mood so far today!

It's 12:30 now, and at 2:oo on Wednesdays and Fridays I go to lunch with J. And by lunch I mean we meet in a secluded area and smoke weed while she shovels her lunch in her mouth between hits.

Ah.
A sensitive topic.

Here's my take on marijuana. I feel like unless you are emotionally unstable, you will never know how it truly helps someone. Seriously. I won't rant on it, but I think it should be legalized in all states (of course, with a limit of like an ounce on you at the time, because let's get real here. If it was completely legal, dumb people would do dumb shit.). So that's that. You may be wondering:

FAQ

How often do you smoke?
When I have my own, every moment I can. When I don't, J does. So on Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays we smoke.

What kind do you smoke? What's your favorite strain?
I prefer indicas over sativas. As for favorite strain, I couldn't pick one, but I fancy kush.

How long have you been smoking weed?
 Since I was a freshman in high school.

So anyway. I think I'll stop here and wait until after I get back from lunch with J before I write anymore.

***

*******************

So it's 3:18 now. I'm high as fuck. How high, you ask? Enough to make me have to rewrite that last sentence 4 times. High enough that I've fought an entire Elfen war in the year 12008. High enough that I'm happy and I won't stop smiling like an idiot. Enough that I look around and see spirits coming out of trees and nature. I love marijuana. I feel like this is how the world was supposed to be made- everything perfect and happy and buzzing. And that God put that plant cannabis on the Earth for us to get there. Like, I don't know. Everything is perfect for once, you know?

Okay well so far I like this day. As to if the rest pans out well, we'll see tomorrow. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Today has been hard.

This is my first post as dragongummy (combining two of my favorite things!). But I'd like to talk about something.

Me. This is my blogspot. And because I have this little tick in my brain called social anxiety, I can't actually TALK to someone face to face about what I'm going through. So I have turned to the internet (like everyone else these days).

As a person, I'm not vocal about how I feel, yet I've come to realize that I need to do it somehow before I explode. This blog is my way of helping MYSELF through what I'm dealing with.

Today was hard. It was the first time in a long while (a few months at least) that I seriously contemplated committing suicide. I woke up at around 10:30 this morning feeling that something was wrong. I sometimes feel better when I look out the window; it didn't help

10:30am and I was already crying at nothing.

I can never describe this to someone who will never understand...but...waking up into the emotion of pure misery is something that I could never fully explain. It feels like there is nothing left. But living with this...inner demon, I also know now how to face it. How to block this evil voice from my mind to the best of my ability.

I haven't eaten all day (it's 7:00pm right now). And I have no desire to. Some part of me wonders why I am like this. Wonders how it's fair for some people to be happy and some to feel sad. Wonders, WHO THE FUCK has the right to make anyone feel this way.

But I know I'm not alone. I know. I know there are people out there just like me, and that in and of itself comforts me in my most darkest of times when no one else is there.

But at the same time, it's hard for me to connect with people. I still think that I will never be able to show anyone the deepest parts of myself. I could never go there. I've locked that part of myself away a long time ago.

All my life, I've suffered from depression, social anxiety and self loathing. It came to a head in middle school when I thought living was worse than anything. I finally got help in high school (medication and a therapist. Amongst other things). Sure it helped. But it never really got better.

 Unfortunately, my depression has gotten worse the closer I get to people. Of course, I only hang out with a measly four people (my closest friends). And I truly enjoy being with them. But. There has always been some part of me that gets scared when I get too close. I don't want them to see who I really am inside. It's hard to be around people that emit such light to the world. Then there's me. The one that feels sorry for themself. The one that's the bitch. The party pooper. The loner. The asshole. If only they knew. If only they KNEW who I was. They wouldn't come near me. And that realization makes me spiral. Am I supposed to live alone? No one to remember me? I just live and die and life goes on? Probably.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and into my eyes. And do you know what I see? Nothing. But I hear. And they whisper to me. Help. Do something. Help me. Help me. It almost sickens me to the point of hatred. How could I be so pathetic? Are all people like this?

I remember a time in high school when I used to wear my scars. And they wore me. I felt so helpless and so lost. I couldn't find my way.

There are a few quotes I have written down from middle school to high school.

"I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying."

"Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok again."

"I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left." 

"You start life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been and wonder who you really are."

"I know what its like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you can't; how you hurt yourself on the outside; to try to kill the thing that's in the inside."
 
These quotes helped me to realize that out in the world there is someone like me (cue Adele song).

I want to meet someone who is as broken as me. I want us to cry together. To understand each other. I think that's why I became so close to one of my best friends now. I won't say her name, but let's just call her J. I've only technically known J for a year, but we only started hanging out since November-ish. I think we saw something in each other. Saw in each other that we had both been broken before and were put back together. But the cracks are still there, and the tape is falling off. I clicked with her so suddenly and so fiercely, that I was nervous. J has been through some shit in her life. And she's told me about it. She's told me her deepest feelings about what she's done and what she's thought. And listening to her, I almost feel at ease. That she trusts someone like ME with her life. That she buys things for only her kids, her boyfriend of 5 years, and me. It hits home.

I have yet to even talk about myself to J yet. I know she wants me to. She hints at topics to discuss that I sort of avoid. And I know she knows. But she doesn't push. I think if she did, I would freak out. And she knows that too. And I've never been friends with someone as much older than me than she is. Ever. One of my other close friends...we'll call him A, keeps telling me it's normal. He has a close older friend.

But I just don't think he gets it. HE can click with people. He's a happy person (though sometimes I think he's not as happy as he lets on), but I'm not. I can't click with people like he can.

J is 37. I'm 19. I think it's because J is such a young soul that we just seem to GET each other.

But anyway.

I will never be able to be myself. Never. Opening up that fully to someone makes me shake. Even as I'm typing this, I'm revealing more of myself than I had ever planned to. And as I write this, I'm crying and talking to myself saying, "Why am I doing this?"

It comes down to one thing in my head- I want to talk about it. I NEED to talk about it. But I don't want to talk to anyone face to face. I can't stand the looks I get from people when I tell them about the inner workings of my brain. It makes me feel worse. So, thus I started this blog.

I will never expect followers. I will never expect sympathy. I just expect understanding. This is not some other sob story. This is real. I am a person. I made this blog for ME and ME ONLY. I need to talk about this.

Well, I think I've moped enough of myself here tonight. I feel a shit ton better about it to. We'll see what tomorrow brings.