Today has been hard.

This is my first post as dragongummy (combining two of my favorite things!). But I'd like to talk about something.

Me. This is my blogspot. And because I have this little tick in my brain called social anxiety, I can't actually TALK to someone face to face about what I'm going through. So I have turned to the internet (like everyone else these days).

As a person, I'm not vocal about how I feel, yet I've come to realize that I need to do it somehow before I explode. This blog is my way of helping MYSELF through what I'm dealing with.

Today was hard. It was the first time in a long while (a few months at least) that I seriously contemplated committing suicide. I woke up at around 10:30 this morning feeling that something was wrong. I sometimes feel better when I look out the window; it didn't help

10:30am and I was already crying at nothing.

I can never describe this to someone who will never understand...but...waking up into the emotion of pure misery is something that I could never fully explain. It feels like there is nothing left. But living with this...inner demon, I also know now how to face it. How to block this evil voice from my mind to the best of my ability.

I haven't eaten all day (it's 7:00pm right now). And I have no desire to. Some part of me wonders why I am like this. Wonders how it's fair for some people to be happy and some to feel sad. Wonders, WHO THE FUCK has the right to make anyone feel this way.

But I know I'm not alone. I know. I know there are people out there just like me, and that in and of itself comforts me in my most darkest of times when no one else is there.

But at the same time, it's hard for me to connect with people. I still think that I will never be able to show anyone the deepest parts of myself. I could never go there. I've locked that part of myself away a long time ago.

All my life, I've suffered from depression, social anxiety and self loathing. It came to a head in middle school when I thought living was worse than anything. I finally got help in high school (medication and a therapist. Amongst other things). Sure it helped. But it never really got better.

 Unfortunately, my depression has gotten worse the closer I get to people. Of course, I only hang out with a measly four people (my closest friends). And I truly enjoy being with them. But. There has always been some part of me that gets scared when I get too close. I don't want them to see who I really am inside. It's hard to be around people that emit such light to the world. Then there's me. The one that feels sorry for themself. The one that's the bitch. The party pooper. The loner. The asshole. If only they knew. If only they KNEW who I was. They wouldn't come near me. And that realization makes me spiral. Am I supposed to live alone? No one to remember me? I just live and die and life goes on? Probably.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and into my eyes. And do you know what I see? Nothing. But I hear. And they whisper to me. Help. Do something. Help me. Help me. It almost sickens me to the point of hatred. How could I be so pathetic? Are all people like this?

I remember a time in high school when I used to wear my scars. And they wore me. I felt so helpless and so lost. I couldn't find my way.

There are a few quotes I have written down from middle school to high school.

"I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying."

"Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok again."

"I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left." 

"You start life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been and wonder who you really are."

"I know what its like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you can't; how you hurt yourself on the outside; to try to kill the thing that's in the inside."
 
These quotes helped me to realize that out in the world there is someone like me (cue Adele song).

I want to meet someone who is as broken as me. I want us to cry together. To understand each other. I think that's why I became so close to one of my best friends now. I won't say her name, but let's just call her J. I've only technically known J for a year, but we only started hanging out since November-ish. I think we saw something in each other. Saw in each other that we had both been broken before and were put back together. But the cracks are still there, and the tape is falling off. I clicked with her so suddenly and so fiercely, that I was nervous. J has been through some shit in her life. And she's told me about it. She's told me her deepest feelings about what she's done and what she's thought. And listening to her, I almost feel at ease. That she trusts someone like ME with her life. That she buys things for only her kids, her boyfriend of 5 years, and me. It hits home.

I have yet to even talk about myself to J yet. I know she wants me to. She hints at topics to discuss that I sort of avoid. And I know she knows. But she doesn't push. I think if she did, I would freak out. And she knows that too. And I've never been friends with someone as much older than me than she is. Ever. One of my other close friends...we'll call him A, keeps telling me it's normal. He has a close older friend.

But I just don't think he gets it. HE can click with people. He's a happy person (though sometimes I think he's not as happy as he lets on), but I'm not. I can't click with people like he can.

J is 37. I'm 19. I think it's because J is such a young soul that we just seem to GET each other.

But anyway.

I will never be able to be myself. Never. Opening up that fully to someone makes me shake. Even as I'm typing this, I'm revealing more of myself than I had ever planned to. And as I write this, I'm crying and talking to myself saying, "Why am I doing this?"

It comes down to one thing in my head- I want to talk about it. I NEED to talk about it. But I don't want to talk to anyone face to face. I can't stand the looks I get from people when I tell them about the inner workings of my brain. It makes me feel worse. So, thus I started this blog.

I will never expect followers. I will never expect sympathy. I just expect understanding. This is not some other sob story. This is real. I am a person. I made this blog for ME and ME ONLY. I need to talk about this.

Well, I think I've moped enough of myself here tonight. I feel a shit ton better about it to. We'll see what tomorrow brings.